At The Intersection Of Fat And Trans Is A Rock And A Hard Place

My First top surgery consultation

Set me up with a surgery date

And took my almost

3k deposit

For a surgery that was

“Definitely going to happen”

They pushed the date back

Twice— they then said

I had to lose

10 pounds in two weeks

In order to have surgery.

When I said I couldn’t promise I would show up

10 pounds lighter in 14 days

They looked at me like I was

Some sort of fucking idiot

Doesn’t matter that that rate of weight loss

Is impossible for someone with a history

Of Cushing’s syndrome, clearly stated

On my chart, by professionals—

When he picked up my tit

Like it disgusted him

I wanted to cut his hands off.

All of this happened to me

At the No. 1 rated place in town—

A place that people come to

From all states, all around

To come and have top surgery

With the best guy in our area—

A gay man with supposed

“Allyship” a gay male plastic surgeon

Who donates to pride

Who pays for sponsorships.

I decided to look

Somewhere else

Because clearly

He didn’t want to cut

My fat tits off.

He said it was for

This, this and that—

But I heard the anesthesiologist

Screaming about me

Over the virtual appointment.

She refused to cut

Such a fat fuck, she said so

Herself.

After this experience I had never been

So close to suicide and yet

Somehow I survived. Months later

I found a different surgeon

Who gave me a new life

Who worked with my insurance

And who worked with my body

She complimented me

She saw beauty

And now— after the fact

I know it’s because

She saw all the good she could do

With such a big, beautiful hunk of marble

With such wonderful oxygen saturation

Healthy blood pressure, and healthy blood sugars.

It’s amazing how different

Your perspective on yourself is

Depending on the company you keep—

But it’s alarming, and dangerous

The sort of attitudes people have

About who should and shouldn’t have top surgery—

Why am I so pissed

About non-binary people having surgery

They might regret…?! I’m not —

I’m pissed

That for whatever reason

You can’t be trans if you’re fat.

No matter how few side effects

You experience, and no matter

How many other skinny asshats

Get to do

Whatever the fuck they want

With their preexisting conditions—

Mine had to be sorted out

Completely

Before I was allowed to have

HRT, surgery, even fucking

Anti-depressants.

There is no medicine

A doctor will prescribe

A fat patient

Without weight loss as

The end result— this applies

To trans people, arguably— the most.