Cells

So far the number one difference

Between me, one individual trans man—

And most of the cisgender men I’ve met

Is that they, by far

Are much more self-assured than I.

I’ve wondered why, and

I can’t help but notice that

Many women are like this, but

Personally, I’ve been raised under

A shame bubble, a hate bubble

A nonstop fear of being myself

Now I get to be him

And everyone is saying

“What’s this guy’s problem—

He’a so indecisive and

Can’t calm down”

Lmfao omg y’all I

Thought so much one day I fucking

Changed my cells.

I’m mad about all of it

I’ve known since the beginning

Something was off, and now I know

The extent of the rip-off

I just wish I didn’t have to

Admire folks with confidence

Ten time’s more delusional than my own

Alas here I am

Wondering how it is any man

Could feel confident

In a world where he has to be measured

By the height of his throne.

I’m too broke, too scared

To weak and too lonely to be a man

On the level of any of these hero assholes

And yet all I’ve ever wanted

Is to be just like them, the ones

I’ve competed with, up until this point

As if we were in different categories

I know it’s not my fault

I was placed in the wrong cell, but

It has been my responsibility

To reassign myself

And honestly, since I’ve started

Picking at the concrete in my “home”

My fingernails worn down to the bone

I’ve wondered more than ever

If I shouldn’t just stay put,

Instead of fighting so hard

For a different cell

In a different room.


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