Childhood Rejection Trauma

*CW* depression poem af

I think where a lot of my recurring pain has been coming from

Is from childhood rejection trauma.

Between the gender behavior and the cushings and the

Broken bones and the stretchmarks and the round face I

Experienced a lot of weird things. My family

Didn’t really do anything. They just hid me, they were

Embarrassed. They were parenting

A cushing’s asthmatic during the peak of

Childhood obesity hazing in America.

They were being rejected, they were being ostracized

They were being othered, so it only made sense

That they had a playbook to go by.

Life does this, later

Regardless of who you are, but to have it happen

In your formative years, well–

I think it might have left a scar.

Sometimes I can’t even stretch I’m so

Bound tight with all this pain from

My insides to my outsides I am unable to

Socially walk again.

I think if it were true that

Trauma creates killers–

All of you’d be dead, or perhaps

I’m the other kind of killer, the self-sort

And I need all of these people watching

Otherwise I’d jump, for sure.

I’ve been wondering why it is that

Everyday or every other I spend

Hours with my head splitting open trying to

Understand why I should stay alive

When my family hates me so much, even though

We text everyday, they laugh at my jokes and

The past is where we left it.

Why does it keep coming up on it’s own

Like clockwork

Even though it’s ended ?