Endless Doubts/The Cutest Baby Girl

Ughhhhhhhh

My dad has been finding

Home video after home video after home video

Of me as a kid being

Me now and it’s been both

Validating and also kind of sad because

I feel like

So many of the parts of me

That are so wonderful have been

Broken, smothered, stifled and yet

I am forever this person. No matter

What happens I am

Me no matter what I do I am the same so

What does it matter

If I am trans and why do I sometimes feel

As if I am destroying something

God herself made

With intention.

I remember that I am me

Exactly who I’ve always been

And I remember

How life saving and important

It has been

For me to take my life

Into my own hands

With my own intention.

I remember that

If this was somehow

Against that grain, if I was somehow

Doing the wrong thing

I wouldn’t have persisted

This long

While somehow remaining

The exact same.

I remember perhaps I am not alone

I am not insane

And I am not

An abomination

No matter how cute I was

As a baby 🤣

Anyway I think perhaps

God intended me to be who I am

So that I could stay alive

Thrive, and be

Her protector, in the end. How weird is that

Alas I do not have an explanation for it I am

Bizarrely riddled with doubt

About who I am

When I see that little girl

Wear basketball shorts, and play the piano—

When I see this little child

Playing computer games and

Jumping around—

S/he would be ecstatic

To meet me

I know it.

I don’t identify with the narrative of

I was born a boy I was always a boy

Not because I wasn’t—

Clearly, I have a man’s soul

But let it be known

That my soul

Was born

Into the cutest little baby girl’s body

Anyone could know.

I was the sort of

Magic toehead baby

That made everyone smile

Now I get to be that

As a grown man, which

Has been amazing

I have no complaints.

Just endless doubts

About who I am, and

What I am doing 🤣🤣😂🎉