Endless Doubts/The Cutest Baby Girl
Ughhhhhhhh
My dad has been finding
Home video after home video after home video
Of me as a kid being
Me now and it’s been both
Validating and also kind of sad because
I feel like
So many of the parts of me
That are so wonderful have been
Broken, smothered, stifled and yet
I am forever this person. No matter
What happens I am
Me no matter what I do I am the same so
What does it matter
If I am trans and why do I sometimes feel
As if I am destroying something
God herself made
With intention.
I remember that I am me
Exactly who I’ve always been
And I remember
How life saving and important
It has been
For me to take my life
Into my own hands
With my own intention.
I remember that
If this was somehow
Against that grain, if I was somehow
Doing the wrong thing
I wouldn’t have persisted
This long
While somehow remaining
The exact same.
I remember perhaps I am not alone
I am not insane
And I am not
An abomination
No matter how cute I was
As a baby 🤣
Anyway I think perhaps
God intended me to be who I am
So that I could stay alive
Thrive, and be
Her protector, in the end. How weird is that
Alas I do not have an explanation for it I am
Bizarrely riddled with doubt
About who I am
When I see that little girl
Wear basketball shorts, and play the piano—
When I see this little child
Playing computer games and
Jumping around—
S/he would be ecstatic
To meet me
I know it.
I don’t identify with the narrative of
I was born a boy I was always a boy
Not because I wasn’t—
Clearly, I have a man’s soul
But let it be known
That my soul
Was born
Into the cutest little baby girl’s body
Anyone could know.
I was the sort of
Magic toehead baby
That made everyone smile
Now I get to be that
As a grown man, which
Has been amazing
I have no complaints.
Just endless doubts
About who I am, and
What I am doing 🤣🤣😂🎉