Fat Studies/Elephant in the Room/Beyond Reasonable Doubt

It’s gonna be hard to forget about

The “LGBTQAI+” therapist I saw

In order to get hormones prescribed.

She was an older, late-in life dyke

Who was more interested in telling me

Who I was, than she was interested in

Listening to my story.

I told her about my experiences

Being photographed in the gym

Without permission, being harassed in grocery stores

Buying fresh vegetables and yogurt,

How people talk about me and my body

Me and my sexuality

Out loud, near me, as if I can’t hear them.

Her response was always something along the lines of

“You must not be understanding

What is really happening to you–

I’ve never experienced

Any of those things!!”

Well, why would you? I’d say

You aren’t fat and you aren’t trans

She’d say something like

“Oh I’ve lost weight and I’m a lesbian”

Wow I had no idea that losing 20lbs

Was the same as overcoming cushings’ syndrome

She would respond with things like

“How did our last session make you feel?”

And was honest with her,

And she really, really really didn’t listen

To what I was actually saying, she was

Too busy being surprised about how much

I had remembered, and how much more I knew

About myself than she did.

I told her about Roxanne Gay, and

How inspired I was by her writings, and she said

She didn’t know who that was.

You know, for a woman who was preaching to me

About how much she knows about fat people

You’d think she’d at least know something besides

The stereotypes about us that

Don’t apply to everyone–

But alas, the next therapist I got

Had bariatric surgery

And even though I told her my uncle

Had it four times–

Three lap bands, and a fourth final stapling procedure–

And he still weighs 600lbs and can’t leave his house

She told me

“You should really consider it, it will help you live your life

To the fullest”

I asked her if vomiting everyday gave her gastritis

For whatever reason all of my exercise, all of my diet

All of my experiences and all of the

Physical accomplishments I am able to do,

Were just not as important to her

As studying the fat body in the room

As something that she already knows

All of the answers to

No need to listen if there is an

Elephant in the room.

Which brings me to my third and final therapist–

A therapist I located

Exclusively due to her size, unfortunately

But at this point in my life

I felt I had no other choice

She was bigger than me, surely she would

Understand what I’ve been through

And after one 60 minute session

Of listening to me, without saying anything

She quit practicing therapy entirely

And took her practice off of google maps.

I’ve had to assume that I triggered her

Beyond a reasonable doubt.

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