Free

Free

–by Becky WTGH

 

I’m free now!

It’s been so long, since I last thought about you.

Right now, I’m choosing to. I’m not used to

being able to choose.

I’m choosing to, so that I can acknowledge

my freedom!

I thought it would never come,

my freedom.

I thought I would be doomed to think of you

to hear your name, to see you around in town

I thought I would never be the same.

I thought that you had broken me completely,

I wondered why I hadn’t died.

I knew for certain I would have a heart attack,

or that I already had. But,

I didn’t. I took a fuck ton of fish oil for years

when we were together. I had a lot of

bruises, but I guess it also made sure

that I didn’t die, when you broke me open.

I spent so much time wishing for death,

that now I feel, born again.

My freedom is something I didn’t expect

It is newfound, and I dare say

I have developed a sense of self-respect.

For a while, this newfound neurotic “self-respect”

worked against me.

It fucked me the way that you used to fuck me.

I am free now, however, and life is much more

masturbatory. I write poems and I make myself

laugh, cry, joy, sorrow and love. I don’t need you

to help me feel what I am,

to help me know that I am enough.

I wondered if we would be friends,

forever. You decided not to be, and for a while

I thought you might regret it.

Now, we are so much better off, with our own

amitions, new traditions. I love knowing

that everything I do would’ve embarrassed you.

Remember? How I used to do that

Everyday, everyway, in public, in private

It never mattered how many others were present.

It could be just us, and I was still

an embarrassment.

My mother knew the same name, so I never

noticed that something was up.

I am free now,

and I am never embarrassed.

I am always laughing, always free.

Sometimes I cry, when I remember

how much of myself I wasted, but

I never regret meeting someone who showed me

All the things love shouldn’t be.

 


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