My gender really confuses me

I am not confused by it–

As much as it is just plain confusing.

It doesn’t get worse, it doesn’t get better

It is a constant state of

What the fuck is happening

I think perhaps

Other people have called this feeling

Genderfluid, but to be fair

I am also literally dealing with

Copious amounts of genderfluids

As some sort of testosterone thing

I also cannot understand.

You see here, my

Vagina used to be soft and wet and

Slippery wonderful and now it’s

Dry as a fucking elbow, but

For some reason

When I come–

I squirt so much

The lamp shines through it and

It makes a fucking rainbow on my

Bedroom wall. I think perhaps

I am a man, I just am also a

Woman, and depending on the day

I am just some shapeshifting,

Belting, bleating, ball-aching bully

Who picks on themselves about

Being too masc and too femme and

Can’t relax enough to be able to

Understand that I am who I am

I can’t keep fighting within myself about

What that is, I need to just acknowledge

The truth, which is perhaps that

My gender is fluid, and I

Can’t control the tides, but I can perhaps

Watch the moon and listen to her

Sometimes, instead.

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