Quite a word. Is it a word? Onomatopoeia, right?

Humor is my only real friend. Humor, I have relied on my entire life. It never lets me down, it never gets me down. Even when the joke is on me; it isn’t the joke that stings, it’s the people laughing that hurts.

I’ve been comedic since childhood. Something about being a 250lb 9 year old will give you a quick, strong, cutting and defensive sense of humor. What started as a coping mechanism has now become a large chunk of my identity. I’m not sure how I feel about identifying as funny, since humor is so subjective. I will say this, however…

I will die laughing at my own jokes.

I’m genuinely excited for that final joke, the epic jest that makes my heart stop. It’s gonna be so fucking funny. I hope there is someone around to jot it down when it happens. It is this reason I carry a pen and notebook with me at all times. You never know when the death knell will ring for you, and rob you of your final “HAH”.

When I was a kid I would make my mom and sister laugh so much they would pee their pants. We would do errands and laugh and laugh and laugh all day. We’d do chores and scream-laugh until we cried. We’d sit down at dinner, and my dad would demand silence, grounding me if I “made too much commotion”. In private, one-on-one, he thinks I am hilarious. In a group or in public, he is ashamed.

Many of the people I meet have a good, decent senses of humor. Some have none. Others, have excellent senses of humor. Most of my nearest and dearest friends are more audience member than they are co-star. Is this because I can’t find any funny people? Is it because being funny is rude? Is this because female-bodied persons cannot be “too funny” without being threatening? Is a witty woman a threat, or a gift?

Depends on who you ask!

When I meet someone who identifies as funny (weird way to say this, I know, but I usually talk about gender identity and the same vernacular seems to work) they are almost always male. Women are never the ones to say they’re funny, but I’ve met significantly more funny women than men. Women can only be introduced as funny, never allowed to make a direct claim to their wit. A man who is funny, who identifies as such, often proclaims and exclaims this status. They might even pursue a career as a comedian. Society loves funny men. Comedy is for men, after all! I mean, dick jokes, amirite? Ever heard a joke about a blowjob? GENIUS DUDE. There is nothing funnier than never, ever making your partner cum. Straight-guy humor is so pathetic.

Maybe I’ll make a whole separate post about how unbelievably dumb Dane Cook is.

Too easy? Yes, also I would never be able to will myself to do that.

lucille ball.jpeg

There are more funny women in the media than ever. Lucille Ball is still the best of them, but the mere presence of Leslie Jones in the public sphere is progress like we’ve never seen. I cannot contain myself when I see Leslie Jones. I don’t know if it is possible to be more comedic. Despite all this representation, I often get reprimanded by fellow grown adults for my humor. Mind you, I do not make excessively dirty, racist, or degrading jokes of any kind. I don’t say material that I wouldn’t want to be associated with myself, since I’m usually standing there, saying the jokes in my actual body, unable to avoid a joke’s association with my personal beliefs. Oftentimes, the women in the room will laugh, and the men will awkwardly shuffle.

I want to talk about that awkward shuffle. I’m certain Tina Fey knows what I’m talking about. Amy Poehler, Amy Schumer, even my sister’s friend Amy (who was literally hilarious and my sister stopped being friends with her because she was so funny it made her too jealous to remain friends–Women are monsters LMAO) probably understands the awkward shuffle. That moment when you’re funnier than some guy who identifies as funny, and instead of being able to appreciate you, he gets insecure and shits on you in front of everyone.

Ok, I lied. So I’ve never really had someone shit actual shit on me. I have however, been publicly ridiculed for being myself and making benign jokes more times than I can count. Is it the overwhelming queerness? Is it the femininity? Maybe its just misogyny, pure and simple. Maybe women aren’t supposed to jest unless it’s flirting, or a cooperative response to a man’s joke. This seems to be truer than it should be. I’ve been accosted for being impolite for non-humor reasons, but humor seems to be a frequent offender in certain company.

“At core, men are afraid women will laugh at them, while at core, women are afraid men will kill them” –Margaret Atwood (?yes?)

I’ve got serious anger in my oven, so to tell the truth, men should be scared I will kill them, too. I’m afraid of some men, of course I am, I’ve seen the news! I’m not afraid of most all men. “Some of my closest friends are men”, had to say it because it is true. I don’t hate them, I just wish the men who don’t already know me would untuck their balls and laugh at my jokes.

Lighten up, dick!! Calm your testes, dude!!! ITS JUST A JOKE, PENIS.

Here’s the deal. I realize that I took a big chunk out of my day to tell you all about how this pisses me off. This doesn’t mean I’m hung up on this, I moved past this in junior high. Puberty has a magical way of showing base human instinct in it’s purest form. I’ve been waiting for 15 some odd years for humans to do anything differently than they did in junior high, and they haven’t. I teach junior high students, and while they are completely overwhelmed by the things they are experiencing, it truly is just the beginning of the end. Your perspective of yourself changes dramatically throughout your life, but all of that petty dramatic bullshit nonsense never seems to end. It takes different forms. You get MUCH better at coping with it. You have independence, autonomy, and some control over who you have to talk to daily. Also, you get to freely laugh at your own jokes.

Despite not being surprised, not being hung up, and weirdly enough not being even being MAD ABOUT IT, I felt the need to write this. I can’t be the only frustrated wise-cracker with a uterus who’s sick of being accosted for one of the few, genuine joys in life. I refuse to tone it down. This baby-printer been out of toner for more than two decades.

I’m probably infertile? I have two diseases that make conception very difficult. My girlfriend’s sperm count is abhorrent. None of the cat jizz worked either.

I guess what I’m hoping for is a better world for my future adopted kids to laugh in. I wish a sense of humor was a trait valued in women as much as it is in men. I hope they get to go to school and have a group of mixed gendered friends where everyone’s cracks are wise, and that their jokes have equal opportunity. I want to go to their talent show and see more than one junior female comic.

In the meantime, I just want to have a female friend who proudly identifies as funny, and says it to my face.

Easy enough, right? Here’s the kicker; she can’t apologize afterwards.

I’ll be here! Waiting for death, cracking myself up to pass the time.

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