I Am Very Big

I think that I might be

Religious simply because my parents

Took me and they sang and danced and

All of it seemed so wonderful to me

I used to sing as loud as I could but then

They started gendering me, so I had to be

A nice polite little christian girl with the

Girl’s group who made crafts instead of

Playing basketball in the gym.

I’d love to say I am an

Atheist but I just believe

In something bigger than myself, because

I am very big–

Too bad none of this shit

Makes sense to me except for the way

She makes me feel when she kisses me–

Clearly there is something speaking

Loudly when that happens, I wonder if that is

God, herself, speaking to me

Through the loins of whoever happens to be

Served that night, a platter of hedonism and a

Life of shameful delights, somehow meant to be

Hated or shamed or guilted or blamed

I can’t understand what about the

Joy unbridled I experience is causing anyone pain,

I have nothing to gain from laughing

I have nothing to gain from singing

I have nothing to gain from dancing, I just

Want to live, and love and experience

Meaning, the way the church all said

In unison, for forty minutes each Sunday morning, and

Then proceeded to live a life that resembles

Nothing that the sermons preach, nothing that the bible

Speaks of, interpretation is a one way street in religion–

It’s what some man says, and then the rest is

Superstition. I hate believing blindly in anything, but

I can’t help but wonder if God isn’t up there

Watching me struggle with all of this, laughing her

Ass off and queefing.

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