I Have So Many Reminders

I’ve been thinking about my ex a lot lately

Because my back has been killing me.

I finally got fitted for an afo brace to help

With my drop foot. Should make a huge difference

In my morale— however

It won’t take the daily pain

Out of my lower back.

It will just help with the nerve weakness.

This injury I sustained while being trained

By someone who was using me as their own personal

Emotional surgery practice. See

She hated me and belittled me and made fun of me

On a regular basis, but whenever I wanted

To break up with her, or mentioned

How nice someone else is

She would cry and go ballistic

She cared more about controlling me

Than she ever did love me

And that was made clear during our

Many, many hours of training sessions.

Once I broke my back she dropped me

Off at the er and never looked back.

She sold all of our furniture while I was out

So I recovered on an air mattress on the floor

Like a guest in my own home

Friends visited me during this time and

Had a hard time looking me in the eye and

Had a harder time leaving.

They felt so bad for me they didn’t want to

Speak about it.

I never wanted pity

I just wanted a bed, or a couch.

I don’t have any practical use

For sympathy, pity, whatever it is

People assume you want—

I needed a fucking bed

I needed support.

Almost 8 years ago I had

Neither of those things and

Yesterday

I saw that she had made

An entirely new social media

That is without any and all pictures of me

Or our time together.

My only real pain here

Is literal—

I cannot forget, or move past this time

I will not be able to pretend

As if it never happened

I have daily pain and a drop foot

I don’t get to just

Beg for the first drunk dick who’s willing to stick around

And insist I was never even bisexual

And never, ever in a relationship

With a fat woman

The way she gets to.

She was a fat woman

When I met her, and to be honest

She manipulated me so thoroughly

I almost believe that

It would be possible

To live as if it never happened, alas

For me

I have so many reminders.


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