I Have So Many Reminders
I’ve been thinking about my ex a lot lately
Because my back has been killing me.
I finally got fitted for an afo brace to help
With my drop foot. Should make a huge difference
In my morale— however
It won’t take the daily pain
Out of my lower back.
It will just help with the nerve weakness.
This injury I sustained while being trained
By someone who was using me as their own personal
Emotional surgery practice. See
She hated me and belittled me and made fun of me
On a regular basis, but whenever I wanted
To break up with her, or mentioned
How nice someone else is
She would cry and go ballistic
She cared more about controlling me
Than she ever did love me
And that was made clear during our
Many, many hours of training sessions.
Once I broke my back she dropped me
Off at the er and never looked back.
She sold all of our furniture while I was out
So I recovered on an air mattress on the floor
Like a guest in my own home
Friends visited me during this time and
Had a hard time looking me in the eye and
Had a harder time leaving.
They felt so bad for me they didn’t want to
Speak about it.
I never wanted pity
I just wanted a bed, or a couch.
I don’t have any practical use
For sympathy, pity, whatever it is
People assume you want—
I needed a fucking bed
I needed support.
Almost 8 years ago I had
Neither of those things and
I saw that she had made
An entirely new social media
That is without any and all pictures of me
Or our time together.
My only real pain here
I cannot forget, or move past this time
I will not be able to pretend
As if it never happened
I have daily pain and a drop foot
I don’t get to just
Beg for the first drunk dick who’s willing to stick around
And insist I was never even bisexual
And never, ever in a relationship
With a fat woman
The way she gets to.
She was a fat woman
When I met her, and to be honest
She manipulated me so thoroughly
I almost believe that
It would be possible
To live as if it never happened, alas
I have so many reminders.