I Still Believe It/The Most Homophobic Thing Someone Can Do
It’s taken me a long time to process and realize this
But by far the most homophobic and transphobic things
That have happened to me
Are in my closest personal relationships.
The most homophobic and transphobic experiences I have had was
Not really my parents— it was
My relationship with my ex girlfriend.
She now lives and rewrites her life as if
I was never in it, which
For a short relationship
Would make sense, but it was almost 5 years—
Three of which were spent living together.
She rewrote her college years
Gauging me out entirely
I am certain, now
Despite the omnipresent embarrassment and
Guilt and shame of having spent
So much of my life with someone
Who treated me like shit—
I am certain that I am entirely at fault
My own self-loathing and desperation
Keeping me prisoner from self-respect
But it didn’t help to be
Gender shamed, sex-shamed
Body shamed, belittled, berated
Often demonstrating to my friends that I am
Something less than all of us.
It took me a few years of transitioning
To love myself enough
To see how much shit I used to put up with.
Tiger King’s Saff gives me the same vibes tbh
IMO something I’ve heard
Many queer people discuss
Is the pain of having a lover
That denies they ever knew you.
I don’t think there is much
Anyone else could do
Than what she put me through,
And yet the worst is that she convinced me
For years that I am solely to blame
So much so that I still believe it.
What I know is true—
She would be miserable
Whether or not she had ever met me
But as for me, I cannot say the same.
I was so full of love to give
Yet she berated me for everything
All of her insecurities which were
All the things.
I wish I had had enough self respect
To leave her in the shithole from whence she came
Yet for whatever reason
I chose to go down there and
Help, until she crippled me, and climbed over
I still think
The most homophobic thing anyone can do
Is deny they were ever even with you.