I’m Just Not Visual/Urban Camo

I’m a visual learner, with

Some things at least.

I have eyesight, sometimes–

The pseudotumor almost changed that, but–

All things considered–

I’m just not a very visual person.

I don’t think

How my body looks

Is who I am.

I never have.

I also don’t express myself

With my appearance–

I don’t even like fonts, honestly.

Well

I say that, but–

The people who express themselves

With their appearance

Insist that we are all expressing ourselves with our appearances

I — again

Don’t.

I don’t express myself with my appearance

It’s almost to the point

Where the amount that I don’t care

Is an expression itself.

Masculinity

Is NOT defined by the clothes a man wears.

Everyone knows that.

Being able to exist in the world

As a body

In a plain t shirt

Is a special kind of power and glory

That only men truly get.

Women are always expected to care

About their appearance. Even when

They aren’t allowed to care.

See– in the country

A woman wearing men’s clothing

Is fucking normal.

A woman not wearing makeup,

A woman going hunting

A woman being a fucking natural woman

Is normal.

Even that woman–

Is expected to wear white, and

Be beautiful

On her/their wedding day.

Even the woman

Who gets to brag about

Not caring what she looks like

Is always talking about

What she looks like, and

How she doesn’t care.

Me?

I’m the sort

That doesn’t even fucking talk about it.

I just fucking wear

Whatever the fuck I want to wear, which is

Almost always

A single-color, no brand

Loose fitting t-shirt

With cargo pants.

Sometimes for work I wear

A polo instead.

For me

Walking into the men’s clothing section

Is a relief.

Seeing the neutrals

Seeing the plains

Seeing the clothes that scream

“Don’t pay any attention to me”

Urban camo! Honestly.

The people who

Express themselves with clothing

Are always telling me

That the t-shirts I buy

Each year on black friday

For the whole year, at once–

Spending less than

$200 on clothing for at least

365 days–

They’re always telling me

That all of that

Is some sort of performance of

My aesthetic 🤣

When in reality

I’m just fucking wearing pants.

It’s often not any more complicated than that.

I don’t mean anything by it–

I just wear my cargo pants

And get on with my life.

What I look like

Is no more or less an expression

Of my identity

Than it is an ad

For GAP men’s basics–

Some of us

Express ourselves

In other ways.

Some of us

Aren’t performing anything.


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