Modern Diet

All the women I know

At some point in time

Had an unreachable weight loss goal


I don’t mean unlikely

I don’t mean extremely difficult

I don’t mean super-hardcore diet

I mean


Very water-through-the-sieve sort of deal

Very Sisyphus

Take for example

A mother of two

Who’s goal weight

Is being nine years old, again.

If you are a 180lb mother of two

And your goal

Is to lose


I have some questions for you:

Where are you going to put

Your organs

When you’ve hit your goal weight?

How about

Let’s cut your stomach in half

Call it healthy

Call it “weight loss surgery”


let’s cut your bone marrow out

Like you’re having a transplant

But it’s actually just cuz

Your husband thinks you’re a fat bitch

Let’s take out your large intestine–

You already have a small one–

Selfish cunt

Don’t you want to be pretty?

Who needs both? Besides

The large one just makes it easier

To add meat to your thighs

Who needs

All these heavy




Organs, anyway?

Did you know

That your brain

Is nearly

60% fat?!

I’m not kidding

Look it up

It’s about damn time

We trimmed some of that !!

You dumb fat bitch

Let’s go ahead

And lobotomize you

“But, doctor…”

Oh right, that’s not an

“Accepted procedure” anymore

I guess

What we’ll have to do instead

Is keep her preoccupied

For her whole life

Dieting, shaming, starving

Feeling shit all day every day

That should kill off enough

Brain tissue

To assure mission brain-leaning

Is a success


You know what they say–

If you can’t scramble your housewife’s brain, anymore

Just call her fat!

That’ll make sure

She’s dieting enough

To go insane.


They can operate!

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