My Left Side Is Trying To Kill Me.
My left foot, my left vertebrae
The left side of the thyroid I had removed
And my bulging, damaged left eye, I wonder
If the left side of me
Isn’t trying to kill me.
I know that the heart
Is a bit offset
To the left, I was not at all surprised
When I learned this, because my whole life
My heart has been beating out of my chest
Trying to break free, embarrassing me in front of everyone
And anything. My sensitivity and my mouth
Lurch forward and let all of the worst bits hang out,
It’s basically like being emotionally disembowled, but I do it
All the fucking time, by accident.
Goddamn left side tryna make an ass of me again!
I try to do it on purpose here on the blog and podcast but
Forces in my life, depression, anxiety, relationships and work
Get in the way of this more than I would like to admit.
Thank god wordpress has a fucking app lmfao
I can take it on the road, I can type when I’m alone I can confess
What I’m going through real time
Sometimes I wonder, should I edit more?
And then I ask myself– would it be editing the poem
Or the experience–
And there’s my answer.
I can’t edit my experiences they are real and they matter
To me, and to anyone else who has my shared pain.
The rudest part of being trans
Was to meet so many people exactly like myself
With the exact same shared pains
How fucking weird is it
To keep dire secrets your whole life
Only to learn that there are whole communities of people
Sitting on their shame in the same way, dealing with
The same pains.
It was a huge relief– now I wonder
If I’ll ever be free. See
The left side, whether it be
My body, or the greater world of politics
For me, have never been welcoming.
The free-hippies would really rather everyone
Be as small as they can possibly be.
They don’t want some bloated pain blob like me, they want
Smiley sunflower girls who hate pronouns and want to
Fuck the patriarchy, which– oddly enough
Usually literally involves fucking the actual patriarchy lmfao
Anyway I fucking hate the left, not because
The right treats me better, but because
For whatever reason, everything about me
Breaks down on my left side.
Even my left tit was twice the size.
I’ve been at odds, having the left
Shuck contempt at me just for existing
My whole life, and yet
I have nowhere else to go.
Inclusive philosophies my ass, ain’t nobody want anything to do
With a realist moderate such as myself.
I think what hurt the most was reading
Some tran’s guys post about how he
Denies gender realism just by existing–
At what point are ya’ll going to realize
That you’re some of the biggest transphobes around…?
Simultaneously insisting that you can change your sex
While also admitting you can’t–
Make up your fucking minds~!
Didn’t ya’ll read about gaslighting in the clickbait of the early 2010’s!?
Telling me I have always been a man erases and gaslights my 27 years lived as a woman
Yes I am a man, Yes I am trans. Yes I used to be a woman. Truths abound.
I will stay here, working out my thoughts
Teetering on the edge of death, all while wondering
Why it is
That trans people, of all demographics
Are so, so eager to erase sex discrimination.
What is so wrong with acknowledging
More than one answer to a question?
Here I thought ya’ll were supposed to be flexible, but
Like my back, ya’ll went ahead broke
Under the least bit of stress.