My Left Side Is Trying To Kill Me.

Sometimes between

My left foot, my left vertebrae

The left side of the thyroid I had removed

And my bulging, damaged left eye, I wonder

If the left side of me

Isn’t trying to kill me.

I know that the heart

Is a bit offset

To the left, I was not at all surprised

When I learned this, because my whole life

My heart has been beating out of my chest

Trying to break free, embarrassing me in front of everyone

And anything. My sensitivity and my mouth

Lurch forward and let all of the worst bits hang out,

It’s basically like being emotionally disembowled, but I do it

All the fucking time, by accident.

Goddamn left side tryna make an ass of me again!

I try to do it on purpose here on the blog and podcast but

Forces in my life, depression, anxiety, relationships and work

Get in the way of this more than I would like to admit.

Thank god wordpress has a fucking app lmfao

I can take it on the road, I can type when I’m alone I can confess

What I’m going through real time

Sometimes I wonder, should I edit more?

And then I ask myself– would it be editing the poem

Or the experience–

And there’s my answer.

I can’t edit my experiences they are real and they matter

To me, and to anyone else who has my shared pain.

The rudest part of being trans

For me

Was to meet so many people exactly like myself

With the exact same shared pains

How fucking weird is it

To keep dire secrets your whole life

Only to learn that there are whole communities of people

Sitting on their shame in the same way, dealing with

The same pains.

It was a huge relief– now I wonder

If I’ll ever be free. See

The left side, whether it be

My body, or the greater world of politics

The free-hippies

For me, have never been welcoming.

The free-hippies would really rather everyone

Be as small as they can possibly be.

They don’t want some bloated pain blob like me, they want

Smiley sunflower girls who hate pronouns and want to

Fuck the patriarchy, which– oddly enough

Usually literally involves fucking the actual patriarchy lmfao

Anyway I fucking hate the left, not because

The right treats me better, but because

For whatever reason, everything about me

Breaks down on my left side.

Even my left tit was twice the size.

I’ve been at odds, having the left

Shuck contempt at me just for existing

My whole life, and yet

I have nowhere else to go.

Inclusive philosophies my ass, ain’t nobody want anything to do

With a realist moderate such as myself.

I think what hurt the most was reading

Some tran’s guys post about how he

Denies gender realism just by existing–

Like

At what point are ya’ll going to realize

That you’re some of the biggest transphobes around…?

Simultaneously insisting that you can change your sex

While also admitting you can’t–

Make up your fucking minds~!

Didn’t ya’ll read about gaslighting in the clickbait of the early 2010’s!?

Telling me I have always been a man erases and gaslights my 27 years lived as a woman

Yes I am a man, Yes I am trans. Yes I used to be a woman. Truths abound.

I will stay here, working out my thoughts

Teetering on the edge of death, all while wondering

Why it is

That trans people, of all demographics

Are so, so eager to erase sex discrimination.

What is so wrong with acknowledging

More than one answer to a question?

Here I thought ya’ll were supposed to be flexible, but

Like my back, ya’ll went ahead broke

Under the least bit of stress.


Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Subscribe to the Blog

Subscribe Here!

Join 526 other subscribers

Archives

Blog Posts

Follow me on Twitter

%d bloggers like this: