“No”

My entire life

Has been about losing weight

I know a lot about fat phobia

Because

I am the most fatphobic person

I’ve ever met

When I was in eighth grade

I carved the word

“No”

Into my arm

Right where I

And everyone else

Could see it

I was not a cutter

I did not cut myself

For the thrill of the pain

I cut myself

Like a brand

A reminder

To be less of what I am

To be small

To say no

And to stop

Being

Large

Unfortunately for me

My weight was rapidly climbing

Due to my excessive asthma medication

And no matter how much I told myself

“No”

The numbers kept climbing

No matter what plan

The nutritionist put me on

I gained weight steadily

No matter how much I exercised

Even when I broke my

Leg in two places

They all blamed me

And my lack of discipline

Despite the overwhelming

Literally blistering evidence

That I had Cushing’s syndrome

The hatred of fat

The childhood obesity epidemic

Clouded not only my

Doctors judgement

But my parents

And my own

I was not correctly diagnosed

With Cushing’s syndrome

Until 24 for years of

Nonstop hell occurred

All of which

I was made responsible for

From age 4 to death’s door

My fat and my

Lack of discipline

Is clearly the culprit

Worth deriding

Not the bigotry

Or the ignorance

Or the lack of empathy

Driving the murder of

A fat girl deemed

Totally invisible

Totally invaluable

And totally worthless to the world


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