Oy It Sucked/Now It Doesn’t

Straight up I just want to normalize

The trans struggle. I just want people to understand

That it’s not always fantastic and that

Not everything is sunshine and roses.

The rest of ya’ll are hell bent

On displaying the positive, vibrant support

Required and demanded of others who are interested in

More for themselves than just some

Sick, sad, sob story but

I am glad that I struggled, glad that I paused

Glad that I waited and glad that my surgery got

Cancelled and rescheduled. I’m not glad

For my mental health struggles but

Every single bad thing that happened to me

Until this point, has made my transition

More and more important. Each conflict I face

I face with strength, knowing that

The decisions I made were mine and

I was ready for all of it.

I don’t think I will ever change my mind because

I already did, I went back and forth and back and forth

Cried and sweated and pissed and shitted and

Ain’t none of it was something I’d recommend

I don’t think it’s a battlescar

I don’t support that kind of shit

But I do expect, at least, a little bit

That someone out there like me

Needs to see the bad bits

Needs to read the doubts needs to hear the

Screaming needs to have their

Guts thrown around the same way

Mine were not because

You deserve to be kicked but because

You need to know that you aren’t

The only person who can’t shake the urges

Who can’t stop hearing the doubts.

The narrative of

“I was always a man I was always trans”

To me, repelled me

For many years, the narrative that

Having doubts makes you not trans

Made me pause as long and as hard as you can

Until your dreams become suicidal nightmares.

I just didn’t know

How to put it besides

“Wow, I wish someone had told me sooner”

So yeah, does everyone need to read

All of the worst parts of my thoughts and

All of the worst bits of my feelings…? No, but

Some people do. Mostly because

Now, it doesn’t. I feel like it’s fucking weird as hell

To romanticize the early portion of your transition

It would make me so fucking anxious

To do weekly/monthly t updates

I don’t think it’s helpful honestly

I watched soooooo many of those videos before I came out and

All of it made everything worse for me. I don’t think it’s great

To glorify transitioning, but I do think it’s

Incredible to glorify coming into yourself

For who you are, and for how your life has been changed

From transitioning, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Personally, a picture of that

A vlog, an image

All of that is limiting.