Oy It Sucked/Now It Doesn’t
Straight up I just want to normalize
The trans struggle. I just want people to understand
That it’s not always fantastic and that
Not everything is sunshine and roses.
The rest of ya’ll are hell bent
On displaying the positive, vibrant support
Required and demanded of others who are interested in
More for themselves than just some
Sick, sad, sob story but
I am glad that I struggled, glad that I paused
Glad that I waited and glad that my surgery got
Cancelled and rescheduled. I’m not glad
For my mental health struggles but
Every single bad thing that happened to me
Until this point, has made my transition
More and more important. Each conflict I face
I face with strength, knowing that
The decisions I made were mine and
I was ready for all of it.
I don’t think I will ever change my mind because
I already did, I went back and forth and back and forth
Cried and sweated and pissed and shitted and
Ain’t none of it was something I’d recommend
I don’t think it’s a battlescar
I don’t support that kind of shit
But I do expect, at least, a little bit
That someone out there like me
Needs to see the bad bits
Needs to read the doubts needs to hear the
Screaming needs to have their
Guts thrown around the same way
Mine were not because
You deserve to be kicked but because
You need to know that you aren’t
The only person who can’t shake the urges
Who can’t stop hearing the doubts.
The narrative of
“I was always a man I was always trans”
To me, repelled me
For many years, the narrative that
Having doubts makes you not trans
Made me pause as long and as hard as you can
Until your dreams become suicidal nightmares.
I just didn’t know
How to put it besides
“Wow, I wish someone had told me sooner”
So yeah, does everyone need to read
All of the worst parts of my thoughts and
All of the worst bits of my feelings…? No, but
Some people do. Mostly because
Now, it doesn’t. I feel like it’s fucking weird as hell
To romanticize the early portion of your transition
It would make me so fucking anxious
To do weekly/monthly t updates
I don’t think it’s helpful honestly
I watched soooooo many of those videos before I came out and
All of it made everything worse for me. I don’t think it’s great
To glorify transitioning, but I do think it’s
Incredible to glorify coming into yourself
For who you are, and for how your life has been changed
From transitioning, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Personally, a picture of that
A vlog, an image
All of that is limiting.