Parton Qualities
Sometimes I write like this is my
Soapbox and sometimes I write
Because I’m being exploded from
The inside out and tonight I’m going to write
Like this is my diary and I am twelve.
‘‘Twas the night after a family gathering
As a trans man in a new group of people
My immediate family
Sat in silence and hid in the shadows
While my extended family
Offered me every kind of congratulation
And asked me every question
Anyone could ask
Appropriate or not
About my transition.
I have never been so relieved to finally meet
Such warm, easy, straight talkers.
I sat and basked in their love and glory
And watched as my sister
Negged and bickered
And pouted alone
Because none of the cousins
Wanted to listen to all of her
Mean suggestions.
Nonstop fountain of unhelpful rudeness
In my house it’s something
I’m encouraged to put up with
But here
It was unwelcome and toxic
I felt with greater clarity than ever that
I have been in an unhealthy family dynamic
For many many years
Not because of all of them
But because of one
Extremely controlling
Extremely manipulative
Extremely demanding sister
Who has no warmth and no cheer
I wish I could go back in time
And hug myself as a fat little cherub child
Tell myself
How beautiful and amazing and smart I am
Now that I finally get to rise above
My evil step sister
Who isn’t a step
Just a regular sis
One who never wanted anything other than
A subservient bitch
Can’t find anyone willing to
Bottom out to her and yet
All anyone has ever been trying to show her
Is how powerful warmth and understanding can be
But honestly she has been jealous
Of my Parton qualities
My whole life.
It will never cease because
I will never stop being me
Which, I am discovering more and more each day
Is the most amazing thing I can be.