Patterns/Sentence/Message
The more time I spent around
Gender studies folks the looser I started to see
Gender, the more time I spend around
Computer science folks the stricter I started to see
Everything. Perhaps
The patterns of logic and thinking are useful
In some realms, but not others. I don’t think it’s rational
To be transgender, but I also don’t think it’s rational
To be an anti-vaxxer, or a religious extremist, or
Anything, honestly. If I had my choice
I’d be a limp noodle professionally
Boil me extra hard baby and
You’ll see– I start disintegrating. I am not
Capable of the nuance I was when I was in
A different part of my life, studying different things,
In different social company, with different hormones
Flowing through my veins and yet I am
The exact same in every way, so much that
It hurts me. Perhaps
The pattern I am seeing is that
I don’t fit in the circumstances I am in
Alas– no matter what I do
I am incompatible and it’s starting to feel
Like the pattern is me.
How can it be that
The thing that never changes is the thing
That makes me so frustrated, perhaps
The peer pressure from others
To hate myself until I become
Someone else
Is all consuming, perhaps
I can’t even trust my own instincts. Perhaps
There is no pattern to see, perhaps
I am transitioning, in more than one way
Perhaps this was too much change at once
For anyone, the way
I’ve been saying
Over and over and over again
Until my girlfriend sighs, and stops me before I start again
“Have you ever thought about
Changing your name, changing your gender, changing your career
Moving to a new town, starting all over again?”
Changing your diet, changing your medications, changing
So much everyday you wonder
How it is that anything could feel the same
In a world of constant change and yet
The pain and confusion lingers.–
Have you ever thought about doing all that
Or is just me…?
All the success in the world just makes me reflect on
My losses until I’m a total loser, motivated yet again
To conquer something impossible, and yet
The desire to conquer myself is something
I can’t quit.
The only pattern I see
At the end of the day, is a
Miserable, weak, sad self-loathing son of a bitch.
I’m sure that that’s the problem, but each change I make
Gives me the same error, now
The message I’m receiving
Is starting to feel more like a sentence.