Queer Identity vs Queer Community/Proof
Post bars, post AIDs, post gay-marriage–
Where does the queer community live,
And who gatekeeps it?
I’ve never quite been able to get in, you see–
As a lesbian I was too butch, too fat, too sad
Not lez because I was queer as fuck
But queer because I was “desperate enough”
As a trans man I am a traitor to some, and
Honestly, just because I think for myself,
And don’t gender fat– people are
Madder than hell at my show.
A while ago
Some random guy on twitch asked me
“What are you mad about?”
And honestly, just the question itself
Enraged me beyond consolation. I’m mad about
You, asshat. I’m mad about all of you
I’m mad about how fucking fake, how fucking insincere
How many bullies thrive in the queer sphere
All protected under the premise of
“Well, I’m queer too, so I’m allowed to say
Whatever the fuck I want to anyone about anything
No matter how it makes them feel.
Anything other than that is anti-feminist and
Contradictory to progress”
The problem is–
You can’t be mad
For a vague reason that you can’t explain.
Most people call that entitlement,
In my experience it seems to be greatly tied
To depression, anxiety, and gender dysphoria.
For me, my anger, my outbursts, all of my
Comes from a deep source of pain
A deep, profound miscommunication–
The only time I get angry is when someone
Ignores, disrespects, or belittles my masculinity–
A phenomenon most men are familiar with.
I am no different.
Why do I feel such guilt, such anger, such rage
All the time about so many things?
Gender identity disorder, gender dysphoria
A profound disconnect between
The world I was born in and the person I was born as.
A phenomenon most call youth, but with
A twist of lime, and a dagger.
I don’t expect anyone to understand
What I’m mad about, I do expect
Other similarly bent folks
To somehow feel this, even though
I am just typing. I am inconsolable, and yet– I know
That you are out there, and I know
That I might die mad about it, but I won’t be
Alone, because at least I have all this
Proof I existed in the form of a poem.