I might’ve been born
A woman, but it was society that
My trans sisters talk about their experiences
Being shamed for being female, but
I find myself jealous of their confidence
Of their strength, of their resillience
The strength of will for which I was broken
The standards put on women by my
Conservative upbringing broke my
Confidence, my self-image, my self-esteem
Nobody cared about anything I had to say, nobody
Asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up
Or where I wanted to go to college
Only who I liked, and who’d I want
Nobody taught me how to fix a car, or
Go fishing– and I wasn’t in fucking robotics.
I demanded everything I had
And felt grateful, indebted, and worked hard.
My male friends were cheesy, breathed
Deeply, and laughed easily.
I try to play catchup now as a
Thirty year old infant of a man
Learning how to walk again, learning
How to talk, learning how to be stoic
Numb, focused, real respectable man
Trying to pretend
As if my self-esteem problem
Is something I have to get over
As if I’m not going through puberty again
I was overcorrected, shamed, belittled
Ignored and disrespected, and when I
Came of age I was not treated like
A boy burgeoning on manhood, but a
Girl bordering on insanity, worried about her
Mental clarity. I think I’d rather
Be angry than at peace when I can
See the difference between where I am
And where I want to be.
2 Replies to “Second Puberty”
Wow so much of this resonates ❤️
Thanks! Hope you’re well, love your blog!