My girlfriend and I have been fighting

Because we both want kids

And neither one of us has enough money–

Also I don’t actually have any fucking

Working testicles and every time I think about it

My life gets more and more meaningless.

I often wonder if it was worth being transgender

Considering I’ll never be able to have kids

The way I wanted. Alas, I am being selfish

Not only can I adopt, but

I am not the only person in the world

That struggles with this, plenty of

Cisgender people have fertility problems– It’s just that

I’m not one of them. I am perfectly fertile–

Just not in the way that I wanted.

For whatever reason, this makes me

Depressed. I try saying to myself

“You have to accept the things

You cannot change. You are more than just

Your body, you are more than just

Material things” and yet

All that I see around me are material things

That ascribe value to me and my life, goals

Contributions, accomplishments that make

Things matter, more or less. Having kids

Is arguably the most meaningful experience

Life has to offer, and I can’t experience it

The way I wanted. I feel spoiled and

Entitled and all I want is to be able to

Spray semen into people I don’t think

It’s too much to ask, considering

How fucking lame everybody else’s penis is–

Why can’t I have a lame penis, again?

Oh right– I was born a woman, I’m both

Not allowed to complain about it and also

Not allowed to say I was born

“In the wrong body”

Without offending some random trans person

I’ve never met, and never will meet.

Remind me again why I spend

Any fucking time

On the stupid fucking internet.

Oh right– I could just be a

Pregnant trans man– that’ll really help

All the people in my life see me differently

And respect my masculinity!! At this point

I’m starting to worry that

Nothing will ever help with that, considering

I don’t have any balls, and I can’t do the semen thing

So I myself will never be convinced of my own transitioning–

I’ve had to stare myself in the mirror lately and dissect

Why it is that I find myself loathing and hating

Gay men so much, and the only thing I can think of

Is that if I was born with a penis and working testicles

With the semen spraying capabilities

I would have a large family, and support everyone

As much as I could. I would be a rock to lean on

For everyone in the neighborhood. I would be the sort of guy

People say is too generous, and people take advantage of

The way I am now, just born

Less angry, less resentful, less confused

And much less frustrated

With my testicles– or at least,

I assume.

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