The Thing About Being Cut In Half/Every Stitch

My top surgery was a huge deal.

It changed everything about my life

And the way I walk in the world.

The thing about being cut in half —

Is that you’ve been cut in half.

They sewed me up with the scraps.

Stitched me each layer

As best they could, playing god

The best way she could.

Do I look amazing?

Depends on who you ask.

Do I feel amazing?

Depends on what you’re talking about.

Do I love the rippled

Disjointed feeling

Of scars pulling

Each time I move my arms

Each time I do anything physical …?

No, not really.

Do I love not being able to feel my nipples?

No, not really.

Do I love living as a man

Being gendered the way I have always known

I should have been—


Without a doubt this was the right decision

But it’s hard to feel that way

All the time

Every second

It’s hard to be proud of the canyon on your chest.

It’s hard to be proud when

People you’ve shown, people you’ve loved

People you’ve fucked disrespect

Your chest, like it’s


Like the surgery changed whether or not

You were you

How do you separate

The knowledge that you edited

From the knowledge that you can’t edit

Without leaving a permanent record.

The data is always there.

Nobody wants to admit the worst thoughts

That pop into your head when you’re transgender —

They just silently treat you different

And legislate things that make being yourself impossible.

Nobody wants to acknowledge

The canyon for what it is, something that is

Hard to go through.

Sure, I made a choice

Simply because staying whole

Was impossible.

Nothing about my body felt whole

Until the treatment followed.

Even now, in my new life

As a bachelor

I lead with pictures of my chest

Because I know

That whoever loves me next

Needs to love every stitch.

None of it was easy and none of it was something

I’d recommend, unless you know

For yourself

You have no other choice.

I am proud of my body

Proud of my chest

The thing about being cut in half is

You can come back from fucking anything.

Compared to that, most of life is easy.

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