The Waking Nightmare
Maybe I’m the only
(Ex?) Butch lesbian/Trans Man who
Had this fear when they were younger, but
For me, when I was 19–
I had a recurring waking nightmare–
My girlfriend, was going to leave me
For a man!
*dun dun dunnnnnnn*
It didn’t seem to matter that
I asked her to blow me or that
I was always topping or that
I wanted to have more muscles than everyone at the gym
I kept having this waking nightmare
That my girlfriend
Was secretly attracted to men 🤣
It never seemed to click that
Her bisexuality is what brought her to me
In the first place. It never seemed to matter
That I would get off on her leaving men to be with me
The idea of some man stealing her, and getting off on
Disemboweling the legitimacy of my love, sex and gender
Was a crime worse than any I could imagine lmfao
It never seemed to matter that
That is exactly what I was fetishizing as well…!
This fear of losing her became
A fear of losing myself.
It was a waking nightmare my anxiety would play for me
As if it fucking mattered.
It also made it
When the nightmare became a reality!!
I was like
“Nah. Ain’t no way this is happening to me–
I’ve played through all the scenarios, and
As long as I do x, y and z–
My anxiety will protect me–“
Oh man thank god I have a sense of humor so that I can
Chuckle as hindsight laughs at me…
I was so afraid
Of the thing that might happen, that it just prepped me
For the denial of reality– ignoring the signs, ignoring the symptoms
Insisting that hard work and dedication
Can right all wrongs as longs as I am worthy–
I dreamt the waking nightmare until I realized I was
The break up woke me up and I found it
More than startling.
I spent a few weeks
Missing my bed, until I realized
It was a coffin, and the world
Didn’t revolve around it. I should just
Make something for myself, instead of
Giving so much of myself to others,
Finding organic struggle in the path I’m on, rather than
Finding a new nightmare to sleep on.
Since living, awake, free from the burden
Of keeping it all in, free from the burden
Of tearing me out of the dream, from
Apologizing for disrupting
The waking nightmare–
Since I’ve lived as a day walker
I’ve developed insomnia.