The Waking Nightmare

Maybe I’m the only

(Ex?) Butch lesbian/Trans Man who

Had this fear when they were younger, but

For me, when I was 19–

I had a recurring waking nightmare–

My girlfriend, was going to leave me

For a man!

*dun dun dunnnnnnn*

It didn’t seem to matter that

I asked her to blow me or that

I was always topping or that

I wanted to have more muscles than everyone at the gym

–gender irrelevant.

I kept having this waking nightmare

That my girlfriend

Was secretly attracted to men 不

It never seemed to click that

Her bisexuality is what brought her to me

In the first place. It never seemed to matter

That I would get off on her leaving men to be with me

The idea of some man stealing her, and getting off on

Disemboweling the legitimacy of my love, sex and gender

Was a crime worse than any I could imagine lmfao

It never seemed to matter that

That is exactly what I was fetishizing as well…!

This fear of losing her became

A fear of losing myself.

It was a waking nightmare my anxiety would play for me

As if it fucking mattered.

It also made it

Really tricky

To see

When the nightmare became a reality!!

I was like

“Nah. Ain’t no way this is happening to me–

I’ve played through all the scenarios, and

As long as I do x, y and z–

My anxiety will protect me–“


Oh man thank god I have a sense of humor so that I can

Chuckle as hindsight laughs at me…

But seriously–

I was so afraid

Of the thing that might happen, that it just prepped me

For the denial of reality– ignoring the signs, ignoring the symptoms

Insisting that hard work and dedication

Can right all wrongs as longs as I am worthy–

I dreamt the waking nightmare until I realized I was

Sleep walking.

The break up woke me up and I found it

More than startling.

I spent a few weeks

Missing my bed, until I realized

It was a coffin, and the world

Didn’t revolve around it. I should just

Make something for myself, instead of

Giving so much of myself to others,

Finding organic struggle in the path I’m on, rather than

Finding a new nightmare to sleep on.

Since living, awake, free from the burden

Of keeping it all in, free from the burden

Of tearing me out of the dream, from

Apologizing for disrupting

The waking nightmare–

Since I’ve lived as a day walker

I’ve developed insomnia.

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