The Worst “Drag Show” I’ve Ever Seen/Pizza and I

I will never forget

The time I went to

The worse drag show I’ve ever seen

Some fucking dumb bitch named “Saltine”

Because she’s thin and white

And started dressing up and going out at night

Around the same time as Ms Cracker, honestly–

Anyway this person is not talented, or successful at all

This person is just a narcissistic trust fund baby

Living in Chicago on their

Rich, East Coast parent’s money

Doing a series of long, 2-3 hour improv shows

Where he is the only star, he asks

Random friends to come up and help him

But the jokes were not funny, and the sketches

Were not intelligible, and most of all

There was a piece of pizza

Sitting in the room

The entire time.

The thin, white and flaky person

Brought dinner, but

Put it on a chair, and never ate it

From my perspective, this piece of pizza–

Was an active audience member.

Or perhaps– a prop, a part of the show?

This “drag queen” if you will call them that–

C-rate theater school dropout with serious mental disorders

Had very little talent to help them through the evening

Which is why, I suppose

He needed a piece of Whole Foods vegetarian pizza–

For emotional support.

Anyway, the pizza–

The pizza sat through the whole dang show

Just like I did

Me and pizza– we did our best to be supportive–

I was there with a friend, who was “friends” with this

Walking, breathing narcissistic eating disorder

We sat through the whole dang performance

Of nothing, and then

At the end

The real performance started–

Saltine proceeded to announce to the room

That if anyone wanted the pizza

He brought for dinner–

They can have it.

*he sneered, of course*

He definitely didn’t want it

Food is disgusting, after all

Food is what makes people like him

Look like people like me

And pizza and I both knew

We weren’t welcome at this venue

I think some

Petite lady who showed her music video

That was honestly, all things considered

100000x better than anything else that happened that evening

Ate the pizza

And in that moment

I realized

Pizza and I

Were hanging out with the wrong people.


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