Trans Masc Self-Loathing Makes Me Hella Dysphoric/Little Bitch/More of A Nate Than A Rue, Always an Elliot
Straight up that has to be what it is.
When I’m at work
And I doubt myself…? It’s a fucking tell
What the hell is wrong with this guy
He doubts himself
What kind of dickless man-bitch does that
Everyone else in the office takes charge and
I’m expected to be
Confident, cool, at ease and
Unruffled by most anything. Being short-fused
Is common and annoying. If you want to be
The sort of man people love and respect
You’ve gotta lead no matter where you sit.
It’s just how it is.
When I go to the trans guy group in town IRL
I’m there with people that I have
Nothing in common with other than the
Compulsion to change how we are perceived.
It’s a rat’s nest, honestly.
Some of us are happy taking hormones and
Having surgery, and some of us
Are going to be fighting
The internal war, with all the baggage, and all the complexes
For more than the time it takes to pass publicly.
I recognize these qualities in myself and
On a side note, while watching Euphoria
I have a hard time deciding who I relate to more–
Rue or Nate.
I’m vaguely asexual, constantly searching for a way
To ease some feelings and some memories, while also
Quickly growing into a body and a life
I don’t recognize with a Man’s power and a man’s influence
I know how to wield, but maybe sometimes shouldn’t.
I am intoxicated by the changes I create in the gym and I am
Intoxicated by my male privilege. Whenever
Anything kills that buzz
I’m a fucking insecure, nervous mess
Plotting vengeance on whoever hurt his pride and yet
Somehow still all the world is full of faggots due to the
Repressed individual who raised me, a dad who might
Not listen to himself, even.
There is a loneliness
To darkness, that I understand and
This kind of loneliness is my friend.
There is a darkness that follows me
Inside and out and when
I’m around folks even worse off than I
I freak out…! Shit drives me bonkers. Don’t dim
The little light I have left. Anyway
I think that’s what bothers me the most
About all this Buck Angel nonsense
Is that whenever some trans guy acts
Like a little bitch
I take it personally for no reason.
I think if I’m honest,
I’m more of a Nate than a Rue, and
Often I’m the Elliot in the room.
There are worse people to be alas
Nothing takes the edge off of
People assuming things about you
Because of the way other people
You are associated with
Behave, and yet you can do
Absolutely nothing about it other than
It’s hard to have that much faith
When it’s always being challenged.