Trans Masc Self-Loathing Makes Me Hella Dysphoric/Little Bitch/More of A Nate Than A Rue, Always an Elliot

Straight up that has to be what it is.

When I’m at work

And I doubt myself…? It’s a fucking tell

It’s like

What the hell is wrong with this guy

He doubts himself

What kind of dickless man-bitch does that

Everyone else in the office takes charge and

Owns it.

I’m expected to be

Confident, cool, at ease and

Unruffled by most anything. Being short-fused

Is common and annoying. If you want to be

The sort of man people love and respect

You’ve gotta lead no matter where you sit.

It’s just how it is.

When I go to the trans guy group in town IRL

I’m there with people that I have

Nothing in common with other than the

Compulsion to change how we are perceived.

It’s a rat’s nest, honestly.

Some of us are happy taking hormones and

Having surgery, and some of us

Are going to be fighting

The internal war, with all the baggage, and all the complexes

For more than the time it takes to pass publicly.

I recognize these qualities in myself and

Isolate appropriately.

On a side note, while watching Euphoria

I have a hard time deciding who I relate to more–

Rue or Nate.

I’m vaguely asexual, constantly searching for a way

To ease some feelings and some memories, while also

Quickly growing into a body and a life

I don’t recognize with a Man’s power and a man’s influence

I know how to wield, but maybe sometimes shouldn’t.

I am intoxicated by the changes I create in the gym and I am

Intoxicated by my male privilege. Whenever

Anything kills that buzz

I’m a fucking insecure, nervous mess

Plotting vengeance on whoever hurt his pride and yet

Somehow still all the world is full of faggots due to the

Repressed individual who raised me, a dad who might

Not listen to himself, even.

There is a loneliness

To darkness, that I understand and

This kind of loneliness is my friend.

There is a darkness that follows me

Inside and out and when

I’m around folks even worse off than I

I freak out…! Shit drives me bonkers. Don’t dim

The little light I have left. Anyway

I think that’s what bothers me the most

About all this Buck Angel nonsense

Is that whenever some trans guy acts

Like a little bitch

I take it personally for no reason.

I think if I’m honest,

I’m more of a Nate than a Rue, and

Often I’m the Elliot in the room.

There are worse people to be alas

Nothing takes the edge off of

People assuming things about you

Because of the way other people

You are associated with

Behave, and yet you can do

Absolutely nothing about it other than

Be different.

It’s hard to have that much faith

When it’s always being challenged.

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