What’s In A Name…?

The farther I get and the closer I come I think

Changing your name >

More than pronouns, more than

Surgery, more than hormones more than

Clothing more than socialization more than

Passing—

A name is how

You refer to yourself

Internally

A name is how others reference you

In conversation and a name is

What you recognize

When they say hello

What’s in a name

Better question might be

What isn’t?

A name, albeit arbitrary

Carries more than just

Gender, sex, it carries history

Family, past present and potential future

A name is fucking everything

A name is

Your concept of yourself

And a word for its entirety

It becomes meaningful to those

Who know you even long after

You’ve passed from this world to the next

A name, at the end of the day

Is all we have.

Why did it take me so, so long

To decide on a name, and why did they all feel

So wrong?

Throughout that duration I felt

More overwhelmed than I have ever

“No one chooses their own name”

I kept saying.

It was more a burden than it was a blessing

And honestly

The name

Was the entire transition

Starting. None of the hormones

None of the pronouns

None of that helped

Until I finally had a name

To call home, that was big enough

For the both of us.

At the time I felt embarrassed

For how long it took me

And for how many I tried and for

How much pain choosing a new name

Caused me. “I must not really be trans

Because I don’t have a whole list of names

I’d rather have”

As if that means fucking anything I cannot even

Remember those feelings without laughing.

How preposterous.

How much pain will I feel for things

That I ultimately become proud of?

It’s like

Each time I come across a bump in the road

I wonder to myself

“What am I doing to create these potholes”

Fucking nothing bro

Everybody hits them, not everyone gets

A flat tire, and if you do—

It doesn’t mean anything about you.

You’re just a regular unlucky bastard.

It doesn’t make you some sort of

Half-trans imposter

To acknowledge that you didn’t enjoy

The whole journey without struggle.

Also, I guess these people exist

But for those of you who don’t struggle with anything

Maybe stop saying things like

Potholes don’t exist, when you’re just driving

In a different place, or perhaps even

Walking in a totally different circumstance.